Why I Love Michael Moore

Michael Moore lives in La-La Land. This is why I love that fat grizzly bear of a man.

Imagine you find yourself making a speech on the floor of the Senate. Imagine—for some strange reason—that the nation is actually watching you on C-SPAN. Imagine yourself passionately arguing for conservative values and laying out the specific policies. And now imagine that you have one man standing beside you, nodding and giving encouragement the whole way. Now imagine that, just as you wrap up your speech he seizes the microphone and says something like: "You must listen to what he says, or the aliens will return! I have been to their planet, and I know their power! If we don’t act now, they will target our planet with their Zorgonian Death Ray!!!!"

He then proceeds to jam a tin-foil hat onto your head and pass out copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

Yeah, that’s sort of how I imagine any semi-coherent liberal feels when Michael Moore writes a new blog piece. Which is why if I had any fear that he would go out of business I would happily pay money for his insightful documentaries like "How Guns Shoot Small Babies to Death on Their Own" or "Why Saddam Hussein Wasn’t Such a Bad Guy After All" or "Health Care in Cuba Rocks (Which is Why People are Always Risking their Lives to Escape Florida)" or my favorite "I Hate Capitalism Because It Made Me Work for My Millions!"

Until recently, my favorite Michael Moore post was a sonnet to fascism which included this memorable line:

Who knew the really fundamental, core principle of American government was dictatorial rule by personal fiat?

Yes, Michael Moore sure does love President Obama. Just last month he felt bad for telling Obama to "earn" his Nobel Peace Prize and so tried to make up for it by telling Americans to get off Obama’s back. After all, he pointed out, "the simple fact that he was elected was reason enough for him to be the recipient of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize." Yes, Michael Moore, everyone gets a peace prize.

Are you starting to see why I love this guy?

Now he’s up to his lovable antics again, but—alas—it seems there may be trouble in paradise! His most recent post is An Open Letter to President Obama from Michael Moore. It seems Michael Moore—who was apparently sleeping through the entire campaign while Obama pledged to turn attention back to the "real war" in Afghanistan—has caught wind of Obama’s looming decision to send more troops to the region. And Michael Moore just can’t believe it:

Yet Michael Moore appears to be having a disagreement with himself. Because even though he "refuses to believe it," he spends a lot of time telling Obama that he’d better not do it. And he’s not very friendly about it either: "Choose carefully, Mr. President. Your corporate backers are going to abandon you as soon as it is clear you are a one-term president."

Ouch, right? I have no doubt that—like the vast majority of this nation—Obama pays no attention to Michael Moore. The man is from La-La Land, after all. The kind of person who calls a margin of victory of less than five percent a "landslide" and who insists that everyday Americans "f*#&in’ hate these generals, from Westmoreland in Vietnam to, yes, even Colin Powell" is clearly not inhabiting the same plane of existence as the rest of us.

He writes "We the people still love you," even as President Obama’s poll numbers sink and overall approval of the president now reaches below 50 percent while the strongly approve/strongly disapprove gap has hit a record of -15. It looks like Michael Moore, who laments the US military’s nasty habit of "slaughtering wedding parties in Afghanistan," would like to see a little bit more of Obama’s "air-raiding villages" talk, and a bit less of his "finish the war" talk.

I feel genuinely sorry for poor, confused, deluded Michael Moore and the sad political-hipster throngs who follow him. They have really invested themselves in this vapid, vapid emotionalism. They honestly think we live in a world where being self-righteous is a fair substitute for being right. They are well-practiced in the art of confirmation bias, which is why they heard everything Obama said that they agreed with and managed to tune out all the other stuff he said that contradicted the first stuff.

The last line of Michael Moore’s open letter is by far the most tragic. He closes his plea to the man he thinks he knows with "We’re counting on you." And that was really the biggest mistake, wasn’t it? The dedicated emotionalists of the American left put their hopes for redemptive change on the shoulders of an untried, untested academic who turned out to be a not-so-gifted conman.

I may disagree with everything Michael Moore stands for, but at least he’s both entertaining and harmless. President Obama, on the other hand, is neither funny nor innocuous.

All I can do is hope that Michael Moore’s spurned-lover syndrome takes hold with the rest of the far-left, and that it results in disaster for Obama and a second chance at liberty and small-government for this nation.